Eric Wedge Job Interview

Jack Zduriencik and Jeff Kingston enter interview room.

Tony Blengino stands to the side. Chuck Armstrong sits on adjacent couch.

Eric Wedge sits unassumingly. 

Z: "Now, let me take a wild guess here...you're Eric, right?"

Wedge: "Yeah"

Z: "Looks like me and Jeff have caught you at your breakfast, sorry about that. What'cha havin?"

Wedge:  "Sandwich."

Z: "Sandwich!  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast! What kind of sandwich?"

Wedge: "Uh, a reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich."

Z: "No, no - where'd you get it, Trader Joes, Dicks, Whole Foods..."

Wedge: "Starbucks"

Z:  "Starbucks!  That's that coffee joint with the logo of the mermaid and the boobies, right?  I hear they have some tasty sandwiches."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "I ain't never had one myself, how are they?"

Wedge: "Uh, good."

Z:  "You mind if I try one of yours?  This is yours here, right?"

Grabs sandwich

Z:  "MMM!  This is a tasty breakfast sandwich!  Kingston, you ever had a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich?  Want a bite, they're real tasty!"

Jeff Kingston:  "Ain't hungry."

Z:  "Well if you like sandwiches, try one sometime.  Me, I can't usually get them because my girlfriend is a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian, but I do love the taste of a good sandwich."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "You know what they call a home run in Mexico?"

Wedge: "No."

Z:  "Tell 'em, Kingston."

Jeff Kingston:  "El Jonrón"

Z: "El Jonrón!  You know why they call it that?"

Wedge: "Uh, because they speak Spanish?"

Z: "Check out the big brain on Eric!  You're a smart motherfucker, that's right, Spanish!"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "What's in this?"

Wedge: "Coffee."

Z: "Coffee. Good.  You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?"

Wedge: "Go right ahead"

Z drains coffee

Z: "That hit the spot."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "You, Chuck Armstrong - you know why we're here?  Why don't you tell my man Kingston here why we're here."

Blengino: "We're here to..."

Z: "I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD DAMNED THING.  You were saying?"

Armstrong: "We need a manager.  Anyone."

All eyes focus on Wedge.

Z: "We happy?"

Kingston: "Yeah, we happy."

Wedge: "Look, Mr. Zduriencik, I'm sorry, I thought this was a competitive position."

Z: "My name's Jack and you're not going to talk your way our of this shit."

Wedge: "I just want you to know how much I want to manage a major league baseball team
again...back in Cleveland, we had the very best intentions of being competitive..."

Z shoots Armstrong.

Z: "I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?  I didn't mean to do that.  You were saying something about the best of intentions? Oh, you were finished?  Well allow me to retort!"

Wedge...exasperated

Z: "What is Milton Bradley like?"

Wedge:  "What?"

Z:  "What country are you from?!"

Wedge: "What, what??"

Z: "What ain't no country I ever heard of!  They speak English in what?"

Wedge: "Wha...what???"

Z: "English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!"

Wedge: "Yes, yes!"

Z: "Then you know what I'm saying?"

Wedge: "Yes, yes!"

Z: "Then describe what Milton Bradley is like!"

Wedge: "What?? What???"

Z:  "Say what again, I dare you!  I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more time!"

Wedge: "He's black."

Z:  "Go on!"

Wedge: "He's mean!"

Z: "Does he look like a Left Fielder?"

Wedge: "WHAT?!"

Z shaves off part of Wedge's beard.  Wedge cries out.

Z:  "DOES HE LOOK LIKE A LEFT FIELDER?!"

Wedge:  "NO!"

Z: "Then why are you interviewing for a job that has him as one?"

Wedge:  "I'm not!"

Z: "Yes you are, Wedge!  YES. YOU. ARE!"

Wedge: "No...no..."

Z: "...and Milton Bradley doesn't like to be considered DH."

Wedge whimpers

Z: "Do you read the rule book, Wedgie?"

Wedge: "Yes," rubbing his new mustache with no beard.

Z: "You see, I got this passage that I've got memorized...Rule 6 point zero 2, clause C?"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "If the batter refuses to take his position in the batter’s box during his time at bat, the
umpire shall call a strike on the batter."

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "...The ball is dead, and no runners may advance. After the penalty, the batter may take his proper position and the regular ball and strike count shall continue!"

Wedge: "..."

Z: "...If the batter does not take his proper position before three strikes have been called, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "I said, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"

Wedge: "..."

Z: "Ah, hell, you're the only one to make it this far, you're hired."