Thursday, January 27, 2011

Eric Wedge Job Interview

Jack Zduriencik and Jeff Kingston enter interview room.

Tony Blengino stands to the side. Chuck Armstrong sits on adjacent couch.

Eric Wedge sits unassumingly. 

Z: "Now, let me take a wild guess here...you're Eric, right?"

Wedge: "Yeah"

Z: "Looks like me and Jeff have caught you at your breakfast, sorry about that. What'cha havin?"

Wedge:  "Sandwich."

Z: "Sandwich!  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast! What kind of sandwich?"

Wedge: "Uh, a reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich."

Z: "No, no - where'd you get it, Trader Joes, Dicks, Whole Foods..."

Wedge: "Starbucks"

Z:  "Starbucks!  That's that coffee joint with the logo of the mermaid and the boobies, right?  I hear they have some tasty sandwiches."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "I ain't never had one myself, how are they?"

Wedge: "Uh, good."

Z:  "You mind if I try one of yours?  This is yours here, right?"

Grabs sandwich

Z:  "MMM!  This is a tasty breakfast sandwich!  Kingston, you ever had a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich?  Want a bite, they're real tasty!"

Jeff Kingston:  "Ain't hungry."

Z:  "Well if you like sandwiches, try one sometime.  Me, I can't usually get them because my girlfriend is a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian, but I do love the taste of a good sandwich."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "You know what they call a home run in Mexico?"

Wedge: "No."

Z:  "Tell 'em, Kingston."

Jeff Kingston:  "El Jonrón"

Z: "El Jonrón!  You know why they call it that?"

Wedge: "Uh, because they speak Spanish?"

Z: "Check out the big brain on Eric!  You're a smart motherfucker, that's right, Spanish!"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "What's in this?"

Wedge: "Coffee."

Z: "Coffee. Good.  You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?"

Wedge: "Go right ahead"

Z drains coffee

Z: "That hit the spot."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "You, Chuck Armstrong - you know why we're here?  Why don't you tell my man Kingston here why we're here."

Blengino: "We're here to..."

Z: "I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD DAMNED THING.  You were saying?"

Armstrong: "We need a manager.  Anyone."

All eyes focus on Wedge.

Z: "We happy?"

Kingston: "Yeah, we happy."

Wedge: "Look, Mr. Zduriencik, I'm sorry, I thought this was a competitive position."

Z: "My name's Jack and you're not going to talk your way our of this shit."

Wedge: "I just want you to know how much I want to manage a major league baseball team
again...back in Cleveland, we had the very best intentions of being competitive..."

Z shoots Armstrong.

Z: "I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?  I didn't mean to do that.  You were saying something about the best of intentions? Oh, you were finished?  Well allow me to retort!"

Wedge...exasperated

Z: "What is Milton Bradley like?"

Wedge:  "What?"

Z:  "What country are you from?!"

Wedge: "What, what??"

Z: "What ain't no country I ever heard of!  They speak English in what?"

Wedge: "Wha...what???"

Z: "English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!"

Wedge: "Yes, yes!"

Z: "Then you know what I'm saying?"

Wedge: "Yes, yes!"

Z: "Then describe what Milton Bradley is like!"

Wedge: "What?? What???"

Z:  "Say what again, I dare you!  I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more time!"

Wedge: "He's black."

Z:  "Go on!"

Wedge: "He's mean!"

Z: "Does he look like a Left Fielder?"

Wedge: "WHAT?!"

Z shaves off part of Wedge's beard.  Wedge cries out.

Z:  "DOES HE LOOK LIKE A LEFT FIELDER?!"

Wedge:  "NO!"

Z: "Then why are you interviewing for a job that has him as one?"

Wedge:  "I'm not!"

Z: "Yes you are, Wedge!  YES. YOU. ARE!"

Wedge: "No...no..."

Z: "...and Milton Bradley doesn't like to be considered DH."

Wedge whimpers

Z: "Do you read the rule book, Wedgie?"

Wedge: "Yes," rubbing his new mustache with no beard.

Z: "You see, I got this passage that I've got memorized...Rule 6 point zero 2, clause C?"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "If the batter refuses to take his position in the batter’s box during his time at bat, the
umpire shall call a strike on the batter."

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "...The ball is dead, and no runners may advance. After the penalty, the batter may take his proper position and the regular ball and strike count shall continue!"

Wedge: "..."

Z: "...If the batter does not take his proper position before three strikes have been called, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "I said, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"

Wedge: "..."

Z: "Ah, hell, you're the only one to make it this far, you're hired."

199 comments:

Jayson said...

Wow! To be a fly in that room. Maybe Hendu can play Z in a movie version?

Michael said...

Ooh, Hendu would be good if he could stop fidgeting.

I feel kinda bad that Armstrong got shot, but it had to be somebody!

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