Thursday, January 27, 2011
Eric Wedge Job Interview
Tony Blengino stands to the side. Chuck Armstrong sits on adjacent couch.
Eric Wedge sits unassumingly.
Z: "Now, let me take a wild guess here...you're Eric, right?"
Z: "Looks like me and Jeff have caught you at your breakfast, sorry about that. What'cha havin?"
Z: "Sandwich! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast! What kind of sandwich?"
Wedge: "Uh, a reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich."
Z: "No, no - where'd you get it, Trader Joes, Dicks, Whole Foods..."
Z: "Starbucks! That's that coffee joint with the logo of the mermaid and the boobies, right? I hear they have some tasty sandwiches."
Z: "I ain't never had one myself, how are they?"
Wedge: "Uh, good."
Z: "You mind if I try one of yours? This is yours here, right?"
Z: "MMM! This is a tasty breakfast sandwich! Kingston, you ever had a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich? Want a bite, they're real tasty!"
Jeff Kingston: "Ain't hungry."
Z: "Well if you like sandwiches, try one sometime. Me, I can't usually get them because my girlfriend is a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian, but I do love the taste of a good sandwich."
Z: "You know what they call a home run in Mexico?"
Z: "Tell 'em, Kingston."
Jeff Kingston: "El Jonrón"
Z: "El Jonrón! You know why they call it that?"
Wedge: "Uh, because they speak Spanish?"
Z: "Check out the big brain on Eric! You're a smart motherfucker, that's right, Spanish!"
Z: "What's in this?"
Z: "Coffee. Good. You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?"
Wedge: "Go right ahead"
Z drains coffee
Z: "That hit the spot."
Z: "You, Chuck Armstrong - you know why we're here? Why don't you tell my man Kingston here why we're here."
Blengino: "We're here to..."
Z: "I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD DAMNED THING. You were saying?"
Armstrong: "We need a manager. Anyone."
All eyes focus on Wedge.
Z: "We happy?"
Kingston: "Yeah, we happy."
Wedge: "Look, Mr. Zduriencik, I'm sorry, I thought this was a competitive position."
Z: "My name's Jack and you're not going to talk your way our of this shit."
Wedge: "I just want you to know how much I want to manage a major league baseball team
again...back in Cleveland, we had the very best intentions of being competitive..."
Z shoots Armstrong.
Z: "I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. You were saying something about the best of intentions? Oh, you were finished? Well allow me to retort!"
Z: "What is Milton Bradley like?"
Z: "What country are you from?!"
Wedge: "What, what??"
Z: "What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in what?"
Z: "English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!"
Wedge: "Yes, yes!"
Z: "Then you know what I'm saying?"
Wedge: "Yes, yes!"
Z: "Then describe what Milton Bradley is like!"
Wedge: "What?? What???"
Z: "Say what again, I dare you! I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more time!"
Wedge: "He's black."
Z: "Go on!"
Wedge: "He's mean!"
Z: "Does he look like a Left Fielder?"
Z shaves off part of Wedge's beard. Wedge cries out.
Z: "DOES HE LOOK LIKE A LEFT FIELDER?!"
Z: "Then why are you interviewing for a job that has him as one?"
Wedge: "I'm not!"
Z: "Yes you are, Wedge! YES. YOU. ARE!"
Z: "...and Milton Bradley doesn't like to be considered DH."
Z: "Do you read the rule book, Wedgie?"
Wedge: "Yes," rubbing his new mustache with no beard.
Z: "You see, I got this passage that I've got memorized...Rule 6 point zero 2, clause C?"
Z: "If the batter refuses to take his position in the batter’s box during his time at bat, the
umpire shall call a strike on the batter."
Z: "...The ball is dead, and no runners may advance. After the penalty, the batter may take his proper position and the regular ball and strike count shall continue!"
Z: "...If the batter does not take his proper position before three strikes have been called, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"
Z: "I said, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"
Z: "Ah, hell, you're the only one to make it this far, you're hired."