Thursday, January 31, 2008

How to properly trade with the Orioles

Mr. Angelos, I have an offer for the Orioles for Erik Bedard. Let me outline the background and terms for your consideration.

  1. It is an extremely fair offer.
  2. Okay, who am I kidding, it is monstrously lopsided towards your team, but I guess you understand the desperate situation we're in right now.
  3. Before there is any agreement with your "general manager" - you will, of course, have final say.
  4. By the way, you really do have a lovely Mercedes S-class sedan. I didn't know they made cars with more than 600 horsepower. Wow.
  5. We will, of course, allow you to subject all of the players involved to a rigorous physical prior to completion of the trade. I will put this in writing.
  6. If any one of the players happen to speak of the trade to the media, I will publicly reprimand them.
  7. In fact, if any one of the players talks about the trade before completion, I will attempt to ruin their week - perhaps hang the trade over their head without resolution or prevent them from playing in an important game, or maybe even miss witnessing their first born child walk for the first time.
  8. If any one of the players fails to meet the physical to your satisfaction, you have the authority to void the trade or request a new player.
  9. In fact, should one of the players involved fail the physical, because of your time lost, I will force them to sell crackerjacks at our single-A affiliate in Appleton, Wisconsin wearing a skirt and a t-shirt that reads, "I am a failure and I wasted the time of a millionaire".
  10. Mr. Angelos, I can tell that you're already unhappy with these terms, so let me just include another player to be named later - any player of your choice, your call.
  11. Can I just say that you're looking particularly healthy these days?
  12. If, after the trade is agreed upon and Adam Jones takes the field and you are unhappy with his performance during the first week, you can request Bedard back.
  13. In fact, if you're unhappy with anything about Adam Jones - his attitude, the way he wears his stirrups, or even his facial hair, call me - we'll work something out.
  14. If you agree to this trade, you will drink Starbucks for free for the rest of your natural life.
  15. If you agree to this trade, your children and your children's children will have unlimited Nintendo games for their respective lifetimes.
  16. Mr. Angelos, I can see that you are great and wise and I hope you find the terms of this deal acceptable.
- Bill

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