Happy Opening Day and Fearless Seattle Mariner Predictions

I'll call today the real opening day for two reasons:  One, because our beloved Mariners finally take the field of course.  Two, because MLB just doesn't know how to throw a party, and they do this every year, scheduling just a handful of games to roll out the season.

Don't get me wrong, yesterday was exciting, but just not "dazzling" in the way that it could be, uniting baseball fans across the nation(s). And despite the fact that the M's are projected by most prognosticators to finish last in the division, it's still an exciting day.  I'm excited. Are you excited? I know you are.

So with all this excitement welling up in my cockles - even the sub-cockles - I give to you my fearless Seattle Mariner Predictions:

Standings: Mariners will finish 1st in the division, that's right, FIRST - but with just 85 wins. All AL West teams struggle to stay over .500 and no single team has a strangle hold on the division until the last week of the season.  Texas becomes the 1996 version of the Seattle Mariners where they're all bat, no pitch, and while they get chicks all aflutter with the longball, Texas winds up leading the league in runs allowed. Anaheim can't complete the Scott Kazmir reclamation project and Fernando Rodney is out as closer by mid-year due to his Bobby Ayala impersonation. Jered Weaver and Dan Haren both are dominant, but their secondary pitching options just don't materialize and injuries to Toriiiiiii Hunter, Bobby Abreu and Kendrys Morales are too difficult to overcome. The Athletics actually finish 2nd and I don't want to talk about them any more than I have to.

Eric Bedard wins comeback player of the year, managing 28 starts, winning 14 of them, and having an ERA just north of 3.  He signs multi-year contract with Yankees in the offseason (ahem...sorry).

Felix Hernandez goes on to win 18 games but is bested by Justin Verlander in the Cy Young voting.

Justin Smoak will post a line of .268/28/84 and there will be much rejoicing. He finally shows more than just flashes of that on-base percentage and power machine that everyone was hoping for, and he plays a plus defense at first as well, all adding up to a 4 wins above replacement season.  Girls in the right field bleachers called "Smoakies" come dressed as cigarettes with his number on the filter and the Safeco staff has their first family-friendly controversy on their hand.

Chone Figgins will hit .296 with 85 runs scored and steal 41 bases, play great defense at 3rd, and make everyone happy he'll be around for two more years.

Milton Bradley will play in 142 games, batting .278 with 19 HR and 82 RBI. There's not a single off-field incident to report, although he is thrown out of two games and actually suspended for three for making fun of Tim Tschida's man-boobs.

Adam Moore will emerge as the preferred catcher by the end of May, ultimately hitting .265 with 14 HR and 52 RBI and the M's are fielding offers for Miguel Olivo at the deadline.

Jack Cust will be Jack Cust, and benefit nicely from the right field at SafeCo and post a .245/26/85 line despite striking out 38% of the time.

David Aardsma returns from hip surgery to save 30 games.

Tom Wilhelmsen is lights-out and sells the rights to Warner Bros. to make a movie out of his life for $3 million. Charlie Sheen asks to play Wilhelmsen, but is turned down.

Ichiro has his first season batting under .300, but makes up for it by hitting 18 home runs and stealing 35 bases.

Lastly, Eric Wedge shaves his mustache, honoring the wager that if the Mariners win the division, he'll get rid of that ugly thing.  Ichiro does the honors.  When the Mariners lose in the ALDS to the Twins, everyone will cite the lucky mustache.

Here we go, folks.  Go Mariners.

Eric Wedge Job Interview

Jack Zduriencik and Jeff Kingston enter interview room.

Tony Blengino stands to the side. Chuck Armstrong sits on adjacent couch.

Eric Wedge sits unassumingly. 

Z: "Now, let me take a wild guess here...you're Eric, right?"

Wedge: "Yeah"

Z: "Looks like me and Jeff have caught you at your breakfast, sorry about that. What'cha havin?"

Wedge:  "Sandwich."

Z: "Sandwich!  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast! What kind of sandwich?"

Wedge: "Uh, a reduced fat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich."

Z: "No, no - where'd you get it, Trader Joes, Dicks, Whole Foods..."

Wedge: "Starbucks"

Z:  "Starbucks!  That's that coffee joint with the logo of the mermaid and the boobies, right?  I hear they have some tasty sandwiches."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "I ain't never had one myself, how are they?"

Wedge: "Uh, good."

Z:  "You mind if I try one of yours?  This is yours here, right?"

Grabs sandwich

Z:  "MMM!  This is a tasty breakfast sandwich!  Kingston, you ever had a reduced fat turkey bacon sandwich?  Want a bite, they're real tasty!"

Jeff Kingston:  "Ain't hungry."

Z:  "Well if you like sandwiches, try one sometime.  Me, I can't usually get them because my girlfriend is a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian, but I do love the taste of a good sandwich."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "You know what they call a home run in Mexico?"

Wedge: "No."

Z:  "Tell 'em, Kingston."

Jeff Kingston:  "El Jonrón"

Z: "El Jonrón!  You know why they call it that?"

Wedge: "Uh, because they speak Spanish?"

Z: "Check out the big brain on Eric!  You're a smart motherfucker, that's right, Spanish!"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "What's in this?"

Wedge: "Coffee."

Z: "Coffee. Good.  You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?"

Wedge: "Go right ahead"

Z drains coffee

Z: "That hit the spot."

Wedge:  "..."

Z:  "You, Chuck Armstrong - you know why we're here?  Why don't you tell my man Kingston here why we're here."

Blengino: "We're here to..."

Z: "I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD DAMNED THING.  You were saying?"

Armstrong: "We need a manager.  Anyone."

All eyes focus on Wedge.

Z: "We happy?"

Kingston: "Yeah, we happy."

Wedge: "Look, Mr. Zduriencik, I'm sorry, I thought this was a competitive position."

Z: "My name's Jack and you're not going to talk your way our of this shit."

Wedge: "I just want you to know how much I want to manage a major league baseball team
again...back in Cleveland, we had the very best intentions of being competitive..."

Z shoots Armstrong.

Z: "I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?  I didn't mean to do that.  You were saying something about the best of intentions? Oh, you were finished?  Well allow me to retort!"

Wedge...exasperated

Z: "What is Milton Bradley like?"

Wedge:  "What?"

Z:  "What country are you from?!"

Wedge: "What, what??"

Z: "What ain't no country I ever heard of!  They speak English in what?"

Wedge: "Wha...what???"

Z: "English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!"

Wedge: "Yes, yes!"

Z: "Then you know what I'm saying?"

Wedge: "Yes, yes!"

Z: "Then describe what Milton Bradley is like!"

Wedge: "What?? What???"

Z:  "Say what again, I dare you!  I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more time!"

Wedge: "He's black."

Z:  "Go on!"

Wedge: "He's mean!"

Z: "Does he look like a Left Fielder?"

Wedge: "WHAT?!"

Z shaves off part of Wedge's beard.  Wedge cries out.

Z:  "DOES HE LOOK LIKE A LEFT FIELDER?!"

Wedge:  "NO!"

Z: "Then why are you interviewing for a job that has him as one?"

Wedge:  "I'm not!"

Z: "Yes you are, Wedge!  YES. YOU. ARE!"

Wedge: "No...no..."

Z: "...and Milton Bradley doesn't like to be considered DH."

Wedge whimpers

Z: "Do you read the rule book, Wedgie?"

Wedge: "Yes," rubbing his new mustache with no beard.

Z: "You see, I got this passage that I've got memorized...Rule 6 point zero 2, clause C?"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "If the batter refuses to take his position in the batter’s box during his time at bat, the
umpire shall call a strike on the batter."

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "...The ball is dead, and no runners may advance. After the penalty, the batter may take his proper position and the regular ball and strike count shall continue!"

Wedge: "..."

Z: "...If the batter does not take his proper position before three strikes have been called, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"

Wedge: "..."

Z:  "I said, THE BATTER SHALL BE DECLARED OUT!!!"

Wedge: "..."

Z: "Ah, hell, you're the only one to make it this far, you're hired."